Being perceived

Why am I awake am 5 in the morning? These last 2 months sleep has not been my friend. I have struggled tremendously to sleep well. It`s such a basic human need and everything else feel so much worse or harder when you don't sleep. I don't want to be awake. I want to be in slumber land. Where I am safe, where I don't have any responsibilities, where everything and anything is possible.

I have been working on my "being afraid to be perceived" problem, and as I am typing here I can hear my husband stirring, getting ready to wake up to go to work, and it takes everything in me not to tense up because if he walks in here and see me type he might ask me what I'm doing, and that would be horrible. Having to explain I'm writing a blog, sooooo embarrassing. Hahahah. Why? Why would it be embarrassing? I don't know! I just know I`ll rather die. I am trying to be better at it. I need to. My oldest child definitely also have this and I don't want him to. He is such an amazing child. Child? He is 19 now. That's still a a child right? Well he`s my child in any case. 

Why would we be so afraid to be perceived? Are we afraid people will have expectations we cant meet? Maybe we are just afraid that people wont like us? The real us? But then why would we still have it with family members? I know my husband and children love me just the way I am. I am super conscious of the fact that I`m weird. Very. And I have a hard time relating to people. I'm sure they have a hard time relating to me too. Maybe we are just afraid of being judged. But why? Does that mean we are judgy? Am I? Of myself for sure, but not so much of other people. 

I often wonder how it must be going through life without this constant, very prevalent, sense of everyone else around you and how everything you do and say can effect everyone else around you. It seems to me some people are totally oblivious about the people and things around them. They are just happily living their lives. I am trying to not be so sensitive.   To be more focused on me. Because in my head I know that the other people at the shop wont ever remember or even notice me. But my gut still hasn't learned that lesson. 

Being perceived feels like I have to put on a mask and perform. Perform to make sure I don't make others to uncomfortable by being me. All of me and just me. Does this then boil down to self confidence? I don't know. I have tried being confidant in who and what I am but its super obvious to me that people don't like that. I'm to much. To loud, to passionate, to weird, to controversial, to religious, to everything. 

I realy cant wait to go to heaven, the absolute freedom to be able to be 100% just me is going to be best thing ever. Because He made me. He KNOWS me. All of me. And He absolutely adores me just the way I am. To be in His presence, to be just me, to be perceived without any fear! Haaaa, I can not wait.