Fear, Faith and Wisdom.

 Today I sit in front of my computer... It's just past midnight.....

I have just finished my online shopping and stared at my screen knowing I have to go to bed now or I will be to tired tomorrow to go do the shopping but I find myself lacking the desire to get up and walk to bed... I just want to do something else... So I thought... I always wish that I have written more...  much more... so why not do that now?

I don't even know what to write but at the same time I feel like I can write for a 100 years.  Do I write about my life? What I think? Only the controversial stuff? My kids? My marriage? My faith? It seems like all of them are intertwined but at the same time like all of them have a life of their own....

My life has been very hard the last 5 years. It has made me more grey but hopefully also more wise? It has been a lonely 5 years.  It seems to get better now with the loneliness but the uneasy feeling I am having about the future just doesn't want to leave. 

Sometimes I think every generation probably had this feeling... this feeling of this might be it... 

I am sure that when the first or the second world war was on, those people also felt like this. Some of the things that happened there was so very horrific, how could you not think this must be the end times? But at least they could see their enemy. Today it feels like we might be repeating history but this time the enemy is invisible. It surely did divide and is vastly conquering.... And even if you are on the side that ends up be the correct you are still helping with the divide so we all sort of lose in the end. I look at the people around me and I can feel their fear, I can see it in their eyes. Some of then are so very afraid. I think most of all this is what makes me sad. It breaks my heart to see people so afraid. 


Why am I not afraid? Is it just my faith? Am I just super ignorant? Even while typing those words I hear God say to me of course not... 


Actually it's not completely true... I am afraid. But for totally different things. I am afraid for my kids. God keeps telling me 'They were born for a time like this" But I can't help but feel so nervous for them. Did I do a good enough job to raise these men for what is to come? Will they keep their faith? Will they endure? To take up your cross and follow Jesus isn't always easy. Actually it's usually hard. I pray every day that they will keep heart. That I have laid the foundations well like my parents did for me. There is so much more they have to know that we ever had to. But then I remember...But GOD... and a peace comes over me... and I pray....I pray for my kids... I pray for my friends. I pray for those that hate me and talk so many bad words about me that the fiery darts sometimes gets me to be in bed for days... I pray for those that love me... I pray for forgiveness for my lack of faith sometimes and I pray for grace, because without grace what would I be? And then? Then I pray for wisdom. Ooooo... so much wisdom, for this is the one thing we probably need most of in these days. 


Wisdom......................  

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