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Being perceived

Why am I awake am 5 in the morning? These last 2 months sleep has not been my friend. I have struggled tremendously to sleep well. It`s such a basic human need and everything else feel so much worse or harder when you don't sleep. I don't want to be awake. I want to be in slumber land. Where I am safe, where I don't have any responsibilities, where everything and anything is possible. I have been working on my "being afraid to be perceived" problem, and as I am typing here I can hear my husband stirring, getting ready to wake up to go to work, and it takes everything in me not to tense up because if he walks in here and see me type he might ask me what I'm doing, and that would be horrible. Having to explain I'm writing a blog, sooooo embarrassing. Hahahah. Why? Why would it be embarrassing? I don't know! I just know I`ll rather die. I am trying to be better at it. I need to. My oldest child definitely also have this and I don't want him to. He is ...
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Fear, Faith and Wisdom.

 Today I sit in front of my computer... It's just past midnight..... I have just finished my online shopping and stared at my screen knowing I have to go to bed now or I will be to tired tomorrow to go do the shopping but I find myself lacking the desire to get up and walk to bed... I just want to do something else... So I thought... I always wish that I have written more...  much more... so why not do that now? I don't even know what to write but at the same time I feel like I can write for a 100 years.  Do I write about my life? What I think? Only the controversial stuff? My kids? My marriage? My faith? It seems like all of them are intertwined but at the same time like all of them have a life of their own.... My life has been very hard the last 5 years. It has made me more grey but hopefully also more wise? It has been a lonely 5 years.  It seems to get better now with the loneliness but the uneasy feeling I am having about the future just doesn't want to leave....
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Why Controversial?

Why controversial?  Mostly because that is how I feel. ( always ) Sometimes I feel like I am an alien on this weird world. I feel like no one els thinks like me, has the same experiences as me or reacts the same as me. How can it be? How can I be so different all the time? Yes there is other moms and yes there is other moms that have 3 boys close together and yes there is other moms with 3 boys close together that immigrated to a whole new country but no... I have yet to find anyone els that have 3 boys in 3 years (and yes this was on purpose) and so longed for more kids, that immigrated just because they felt God had called them to do so and all 3 boys have special needs and no none of their needs seem to fit in any know boxes ( and yes some of it so rare that they had to think of a name for it)  while being told all 3 have vaccine injuries ( yes... can you believe it`s a thing? who knew?) and to add to all of this I also do not feel screens are wrong, add to that the fact ...
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school is starting...oh why?

School starts in 3 days time. Oh why? I hear so many people saying thank goodness school is starting.  I do not join in their sentiment! ! I love the holidays.  I never get tired or worn out by my kids being home with me all day. Never. I love it!! I do however get very tired of school! ! All the rushing and driving and homework and ekstra classes. So unlike other moms that seems to be excited about the new school year I am kind of dreading it. Sometimes I just want to go back to when they were small. Back to the days when we were all home every day. Back to when our day consisted of diapers and breastfeeding.  Back to where you dreamed of what your child will be one day! Back to the pleasure of thinking how smart your kid is for walking so early.  Now we just get teachers telling you how beind they are. How they don't read fast enough and how many test must be done and how many speasilist there need to be seen...so no...not to excited about the school starting agai...
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